Writing as a Person Touched by Adoption

How can each part of the triad use writing to benefit themselves and the community as a whole?

Putting words on paper, or typing a font onto an electronic document can be a therapeutic exercise for anyone. (1) When adoption is a part of your life it can take on a whole new meaning  for you and those around you. People on different sides of adoption can benefit in different ways. Depending on how you use the medium, writing can even stand to affect the process of adoption itself, making it more ethical and fair for everyone involved. Different kinds of writing can have positive effects for adoptive parents, adoptees and first parents, though they may use writing in different ways. 

Public Writing (Blogs or Articles)

A word of warning to adoptive parents

There are a number of ways people in the adoption community use blogs. Some of the blogs out there are a wonderful resource to teach us all how we can do adoption better. They can let us into worlds that the average person doesn’t fully understand. Sometimes, though, blogs don’t help the cause of getting the right children adopted into the right homes. Sometimes they become a stage from which adoptive parents can showcase their lives.

I’m an adoptive parent myself and I remember in the early days of my first adoption when I didn’t know any better I would find encouragement from sites showing happy families with beautiful hair and matching outfits smiling as they added child after child to their home. I remember thinking early on I knew there was a child out there that would be mine. I’ve learned since then that is far from the truth. 

These adoptive parents need to hold on a minute, put down the curling iron and neutral colored  sweaters and realize the pain that both the birth family and the child will go through so the adoptive family can achieve their “destiny”. Sometimes when I have read adoptive family blogs, the birth family is almost infantilized. Adoptive parents are shown rescuing a child from whatever situation a birth family found themselves in. It almost seems framed like a win-win. It’s not. 

If you are an adoptive parent or on the path to adoption I want you to read on to see what writing can mean for both adoptees and birth families. (2) If adoptive families still want to blog in public I want them to consider what motivates them to do so. If you want to get a following, I would encourage you to unbox toys or cook scrumptious meals, not publicize your path to adoption. (3) If you want to encourage others to adopt, for the most part this isn’t necessary. Most children truly in need of adoption right now are also in need of very specific types of parents who are ready for whatever challenges adoption might bring, not typically those attracted by glossy pictures of smiling faces. (4)

If you are writing about your adoption on a private blog to keep family updated, awesome, that sounds like a great idea! (5) If you have already adopted and have learned some things over the years that could also be a great thing to share. Just make sure when you are an adoptive family sharing your writing publicly that you are able to do so in a realistic way that is respectful to adoptees and birth families. 

Hidden Voices

Once we leave the realm of the adoptive parent we enter a world that has been mysterious and put in the shadows far more than they deserve. Adoptees and first parents, for many generations, were encouraged to keep their experiences under wraps for the sake of other adults in the room. (6) , (7) It is in fairly recent history that scientists have studied adoptee and first parent experiences to find the truth, and we have just started to fully understand their experience. (8)

Adoptees in recent decades have become willing to let us in on what it is like to be the only Asian in a primarily white school and family, (9) or feel like who they are inside doesn’t match how they appear to society. (10) When adoptees write articles in magazines about their experiences or blog about their journeys it helps everyone tune in to ways that our best intentions might be falling short of meeting their needs for belonging. (11)

Adoptees are in the unique position as they grow to adulthood to change the way adoption works, and they have been. They have been struggling in every state of the Union to have access to their birth records so they can fully understand their identities and their health risks. (12) They are speaking up and letting us all know that often, even if they are making straight A’s and fulfilling their adoptive parents dreams, they aren’t always fine. (13) Studies are telling us that often mental health issues adoptees face can be connected to their adoption, even if it isn’t obvious. (14)

Another group that doesn’t always get the attention they deserve are first mothers. Sometimes they don’t want the attention and in generations past first mothers often weren’t given the choice to speak out due to their obligation to keep up appearances for their families of origin. (15) As first mothers become brave enough to admit to us all that one or more of the children they gave birth to are being raised by others, we are discovering that many first mothers haven’t felt they have been fully heard from the very beginning. 

Some have been confused when they entered a process they never expected to be a part of. Some first mothers felt an obligation to a family they were matched with, even if they weren’t sure they wanted to offer their child to them. (16)   When first mothers write for public eyes we all find out we have a ways to go to fully support the women who find themselves pregnant unexpectedly. Once the side of the first mother comes to light for all of us to see we can start to reform adoption in ways that haven’t changed in decades but need more imagination. (17)

Private writing for emotional support or record keeping.

There can be a few different reasons why private writing can be useful for those involved in adoption. For all parties it can be useful to have a place to go where anything can be written with no negative consequences. If an adoptee wants to wonder what an alternative path may have been like for them there should be a place they can experiment with those thoughts in safety where no one will judge them. A first mother should be able to have space to explore her emotions to their fullest. If there is hate or anger or aggression journaling can provide a space these people can sit with those feelings. (18) These private writings can be even more beneficial if they are viewed by a therapist who can help turn raw emotion into healthy space for growth. (19)

Even adoptive parents might need a space where they can gripe about the process they are going through or worry if they will be enough for the child they are matched with. Space to work through thoughts and feelings with no judgment is beneficial for anyone. (20) It can be helpful to put into words things that feel big, because sometimes when those words are out you can see things from a safer distance, or find a solution as to how to navigate those feelings better. 

Another reason an adoptive family may want to put pen to paper is to keep track of the process they are going through. You may need to confirm with a social worker when you took Joey to the doctor last,(21) or you might just want to be able to put into perspective that even though it feels like a year since you finished licensing it has only been six months. Maybe you would like to be able to share with an adoptive child just how they came to be in your family. 

Private writing can have many benefits whether those thoughts are just for the writer, used for mental health, or shared with family or case workers. You may not realize until years later how beneficial your perspective could be. Maybe you realize how far you’ve come, or you are able to encourage someone else with what you have felt and experienced, validating the process they are going through. If you feel like privately noting your journey through adoption, don’t hold back, even if you don’t understand the final result of your writing.

Memoir Writing

Each person touched by adoption could take on the daunting task of putting their experience in book form. While journaling and blogging can help them work through emotions and inform others of their experience, putting together a book length version of their story is a different animal entirely. This type of writing comes with the added question of how to pull a stranger into an adoption story and make them invested in it. Much more of the focus is on creating a scene and encouraging others to bring their senses into the landscape of the author’s adoption journey. (22)

Patricia Knight-Meyer, an adoptee, writer and speaker has spent time writing her own memoir and giving advice to others in the adoption community about writing theirs. She tries to help those working on their memoirs understand how to focus their words. “You don’t put every single detail of your life in it. You need to look at the formative moments that shape you and become the arc of your narrative” She said in an interview I had with her.(23)

If the author can accomplish this then those along for the ride might understand the reality of adoption in a whole new light. When a person feels like they are in a room with a pregnancy test they didn’t expect two lines to appear on they might identify with that woman differently. If they can feel the tension that comes with the question marks in an adoptee’s mind when faced with a census form or a medical history they might not see adoptee life as something that ends with a series of parental signatures, but as an ongoing process. Readers might support different legislation, or spend their volunteer or donation money differently. It can matter to the support women get in general if those with adoption stories to tell choose to take up the daunting task of writing hundreds of pages with the intent of taking a reader on their adoption journey with them. 

Writing Can Benefit Those Inside and Outside of Adoption.

Writing as an adoptive parent, an adoptee, or as a first mother can be beneficial personally, but your story can affect the view of others. We can encourage people who would never come in contact with people in the world of adoption to support women and children in ways that genuinely benefit all of them in realistic ways.

Sources

1. Ackerman, Courtney E. “Writing Therapy: How to Write and Journal Therapeutically.” positivepsychology.com, 26 Oct. 2017, positivepsychology.com/writing-therapy/.
2. Woolston, Amanda. “As Rightful Narrators: Adoption, RAD, and Storytelling.” The Declassified Adoptee, http://www.declassifiedadoptee.com/2014/05/as-rightful-narrators-adoption-rad-and.html .
3. Brenhoff, Ann. “8 Things Adoptive Parents Should Never, Ever Do.” Huffpost, 3 Nov. 2014, http://www.huffpost.com/entry/7-things-adoptive-parents-should-never-ever-do_b_6043650 .
4. Lytle, Brandi. “So, why didn’t we just adopt.” nosomommy.com, 17 Nov. 2017, notsomommy.com/why-didnt-we-just-adopt/.
5. “Why Adoptive Parents need to stop blogging about adoptees.” thelostdaughters.com, 24 Oct. 2014, http://www.thelostdaughters.com/2014/10/why-adoptive-parents-need-to-stop.html .
6. Liu, Yvonne. “I Kept My Family’s Secret For Over 60 Years. Now, I’m Finally Telling The Truth.” huffpost, 11 May 2022, http://www.huffpost.com/entry/family-secret-adoption-china_n_620a9e9de4b03230246ea698.
7. Kasler, Karen. “Hundreds Of Thousands Of Adoptees Now Get The Chance To See Long-Hidden Adoption Records.” statenews.org, 20 Mar. 2015, http://www.statenews.org/news/2015-03-20/hundreds-of-thousands-of-adoptees-now-get-the-chance-to-see-long-hidden-adoption-records .
8. Zamostny, Kathy P., et al. “The Practice of Adoption: Hist actice of Adoption: History, Trends, and Social Context .” digitalcommons.montclair.edu, Nov. 2003, digitalcommons.montclair.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1088&context=counseling-facpubs .
9. Chung, Nicole. “My White Adoptive Parents Struggled to See Me as Korean. Would They Have Understood My Anger at the Rise in Anti-Asian Violence?” Time.com, 22 Mar. 2021, time.com/5948949/anti-asian-racism-white-adoptive-family/ .
10. Jenkins, Jolie. “From an Adoptees Perspective: Interracial Adoption and Identity.” , 2022, soundideas.pugetsound.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1868&context=summer_research  .
11. Karanova, Pamela A. “Adoptees, Why Are You So Angry? .” pamelakaranova.com, 12 May 2022, pamelakaranova.com/2022/05/12/adoptees-why-are-you-so-angry-over-100-adoptees-share-heartfelt-feelings/ .
12. Bergal, Jenni. “With Push From Adoptees, States Open Access to Birth Records.” Stateline.org, 12 Aug. 2016, stateline.org/2016/08/12/with-push-from-adoptees-states-open-access-to-birth-records/ .
13. Russell, Melisa. “Emotions Adoptees Are “NOT Allowed” To Feel.” united for adoption.org, 17 July 2019, unitedforadoption.org/emotions-adoptees-are-not-allowed-to-feel/.
14. Blanchfield, Theodora. “What Are the Mental Health Effects of Being Adopted?” verywellmind.com, 14 Feb. 2022, http://www.verywellmind.com/what-are-the-mental-health-effects-of-being-adopted-5217799 .
15. van Schie, Kim, and Ton Sondag. “Distance Mothers’.” projectadopted.com, http://www.projectadopted.com/en/information/birthmothers/ .
16. Guida-Richards, Melissa. “Birth Mothers Share What They Want Adoptive Parents to Know.” theeverymom.com, 22 Nov. 2021, theeverymom.com/what-birth-mothers-want-adoptive-parents-to-know/.
17. Corrigan D’Arcy, Claudia. adoptionbirthmothers.com, http://www.adoptionbirthmothers.com/.
18. Scott, Elizabeth. “Why You Should Keep a Stress Relief Journal.” verywellmind.com, 26 Oct. 2023, http://www.verywellmind.com/the-benefits-of-journaling-for-stress-management-3144611 .
19. Bonifacio, Rachel. ““Eep! My Therapist Wants Me to Journal!”.” medium.com, 14 Aug. 2020, medium.com/the-work-life-balance/eep-my-therapist-wants-me-to-journal-82331f0a12d9 .
20. “Journaling for Emotional Wellness.” urmc.rochester.edu, 2023, http://www.urmc.rochester.edu/encyclopedia/content.aspx?ContentID=4552&ContentTypeID=1 .
21. Montsinger, Jennifer. “A Social Worker’s Heartfelt Tips for Foster Parents.” fosteringperspectived.org, Nov. 2006, fosteringperspectives.org/fp_v11n1/jenifer.htm .
22. “Diaries vs. Memoirs – Thoughts to ponder . . .” fcit.usf.edu,  fcit.usf.edu/holocaust/activity/68plan/diaries2.htm.
23. Spiering, Charlyn. “In America, But Not At Home.” Adoptionuncovered.com, 28 Oct. 2023, adoptionuncovered.com/2023/10/28/in-america-but-not-at-home/.