Adoption Uncovered

My relationship with my name has been complicated over the years. The name came to be assigned to me at birth by my mother, who wanted to mash together Charlotte and a piece of her own name. Hence, I have been bestowed a name that requires me to pronounce it three times at each introduction, only to be told it’s beautiful as a consolation for the time invested. I have since gone to using alternative names for my coffee order at Starbucks. This is something my adopted daughter and I bond over. I didn’t choose her name. Even though I was the one who thought up the nickname she currently goes by, I can’t say that it is easy to spell. We both cannibalize my other daughter’s more pronounceable name when necessary. 

Name importance in general

Names can be complicated for adopted people. For most of us, our names connect us to our parents, or possibly to generations going back even further. For adoptees, their name might be a reminder that they live their lives in a family they are not genetically connected to, or a tie to a lineage they wish they understood better. 

Your name can lead to snap judgments from others. Studies have found that names can come with whole personality profiles attached to the vibe they give people.   Katies are supposed to be outgoing. People might be likely to assume friendliness within seconds of reading her name tag. (1) Owen is a natural mediator, or so goes the impression his name is likely to give those who haven’t taken the time to discern his true personality. Studies have even shown that people with unpopular names are more likely to be involved in crime. Creatively named people are said to have more unique careers, though the study did not claim that the creativity came from the name alone. (2)

Adoptive parents might have desires for the type of life they would prefer for the child they adopt to experience in their care. (3) Names can be assigned as a message that is well intentioned, but doesn’t provide the comfort or strength the adoptive family intended. (4)  Ignorance of generations of personalities, quirks, and tendencies can mean that the family name they attach to their adopted child won’t match who the child feels they are. (5) In addition, if a child’s name doesn’t seem to derive from the same part of the world as their appearance, it can lead to intrusive questions, potentially for the rest of their lives.

Over the course of history, families have used the opportunity to name their children as an opportunity to honor ancestors. Some cultures have used naming to bring out traits children have that can change as they grow. Most of the time, the people making the decision of what this child will be named know their family history or childhood traits well. When it comes to adoption, if they are assigned a name from the adoptive parents’ family, it doesn’t honor the child’s biological family. It could appear to be a stamp of ownership of the parents who will be raising the child. (6)

History of Adoption Naming

In the 1940s and earlier, it was thought that a clean break from birth parents would be healthier for everyone involved in an adoption. In some documents, birth parents were referred to by serial numbers rather than by names of any accuracy. (7) Along with erasing the birth mother’s name, adoptees were thought of as blank slates that adoptive parents could mold as they wished.(8)  They would name these children as if the children were theirs by birth. Even though we know better now, it is not easy to change legislation to catch up with better mental health practices for adoptees. Battles are being won in a haphazard patchwork all over the country to allow adoptees access to information that previous generations thought they would be better off not knowing. 

This practice of allowing adoptive parents to pretend there was no before in their child’s life only started being deconstructed as recently as the 1970s (9). Even though the practice of hiding birth mothers became less common, hiding information about them is a legacy from this time period that has been slow to erode. The mix of policies that are standing from the recent past, combined with modern understanding, can lead us to believe there is a mix of practices that can be acceptable when it comes to naming adoptees. Information that is trickling down to us from the adults of the past often doesn’t consider what we are now hearing from adoptees. 

What adoptees tell us about their names

Adoptees are speaking up and telling us how important their names are to them. (10) Often, if they were given a name by a birth family member, it can serve as one of the few connections they feel they have to their family of origin. (11)  It can even smooth the interactions they have if they choose to connect with their birth family. That was the case for adoptee Angela Legg:

“When I met my birth mom. She wouldn’t call me anything other than Angie. And when I was adopted by my mom, my adopted mom changed it to Angela and made that the legal name, and I’m like, can you imagine if my name was Sarah? My birth family called me Angie without even missing a beat, and I’m confident that if my name was completely different. I think there would have been this really interesting tension with my born name. It was just so interesting that again, my family really made the right decision.”(12)

 It can connect them to a culture they don’t see every day. Maybe the name they were given follows family traditions or honors family members they might share a genetic connection to. 

At the same time, names that are hard to pronounce in their adopted country or very different from others around them may not be easy for them to deal with either. It can be hard enough to look different from those around you. (13) If your name is also different, an adoptee may be singled out for repetitive questions they don’t want to get mired in at each introduction. There might be teasing or bullying for those who stand out, and a different name might make things worse. 

Sometimes adoptees connect with different parts of who they are at different times of their lives. They might want to distance themselves from family members they don’t relate to or who haven’t treated them well. They might prefer to blend in with friends at school with uncomplicated names, or names that express hometown connections. 

Like many groups of people, it is hard to lump all adoptees together. Most of them, however, prefer to keep ties with their family of origin, and if that includes a name, that can be treasured and vital. 

What we should do when it comes to naming adoptees

One study goes so far as to say that adoptive parents should collect as much information as possible about the background of the first given name. (14) It is one thing to be connected to your original name every day. If you understand why that name was chosen, or if there is significance within the original culture or family, it can aid in identity formation. 

We tried to plan our adopted children’s names carefully, giving them options for different times in their lives. The names they were given at birth remained, other than a small spelling change to honor the way one of the first mothers pronounced a name. We did develop nicknames for them that were not official or permanent, but gave them a unique connection to our family. Over time, I wondered whether my adopted children would attach to names given to them by their birth family, nicknames given to them by their adopted family, or something else entirely. When the kids wanted to make adjustments to their names, we did our best to honor that. The schools they have attended are open to allowing students to change what they prefer to be called with an amount of ease I’m not used to. I’ve been told by my kids that some students have gone by different names multiple times within one school year. Transitions like this are becoming the norm for any student, no matter what their family makeup entails. Maybe this will make it easier for adoptees to frame their existence with a title that makes them feel fully seen. Maybe this will belittle those who truly struggle with their identity. For now, the idea of allowing your name to flex with your sense of self is becoming more mainstream, and this is a good development for adoptees that hopefully their adoptive families can see and embrace.

Sources

1. Cox, Dr. David. “The surprising way your name shapes your entire life.” BBC Science Focus, 21 Jan. 2026, http://www.sciencefocus.com/wellbeing/surprising-way-your-name-shapes-life.
2. Jarrett, Christian. “How your name affects your personality.” BBC, 25 May 2021, http://www.bbc.com/future/article/20210525-how-your-name-affects-your-personality.
3. Flaherty, Jan, et al. “Renaming in Adoption: Exploring Name Ambivalence in Adoptive Parents’ Name Stories.” Wiley Online Library, 8 Aug. 2025, onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/cfs.70037 .
4. McAndrew, Frank T. “How Do We Name Adopted Children?” Psychology Today, 14 Jan. 2021, http://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/out-of-the-ooze/202101/how-do-we-name-adopted-children.
5. McAlpine, Fraser. “What’s in a name? For adopted children, rather a lot.” The Guardian, 8 July 2013, http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2013/jul/08/whats-in-a-name-adopted-children.
6. Weldon, Deirdre. “Adoption, Identity, and the Illusion of Being Chosen: When Love Becomes Control.” Medium, 23 July 2025, medium.com/psychology-hits-decoding-the-mind/the-illusion-of-ownership-in-adoption-when-love-becomes-possession-and-control-98db8c7a61dc .
7. Flaherty, Jan. “Renaming in Adoption: Exploring Name Ambivalence in Adoptive Parents’ Name Stories.” Wiley Online Library, 8 Aug. 2025, onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/cfs.70037 .
8. Holden, Lori. “111: The Adopted Baby As A Blank Slate: Thoughts On The Nature vs Nurture Debate In Adoption With Lesli Johnson Transcript.” Adopting.com, http://www.adopting.com/adoption-podcasts/the-adopted-baby-as-a-blank-slate-thoughts-on-the-nature-vs-nurture-debate-in-adoption-with-lesli-johnson-transcript.
9. “What was the “Baby Scoop Era”?” babyscoopera.com, babyscoopera.com/home/what-was-the-baby-scoop-era/.
10. Long, Lynelle. “What’s in a Name? Identity, Respect, Ownership?” IntercountryAdopteeVoices.com, 20 Mar. 2020, intercountryadopteevoices.com/2020/03/20/whats-in-a-name-identity-respect-ownership/.
11. OnlyBlackGirl. “Are You Whitewashing Your Adoptee’s Name?” Medium, 13 Oct. 2017, share.google/TWL0FxGL7kY2rPOEc.
12. Spiering, Charlyn. “Groundbreaking Relationships With Angela Legg.” Adoption Uncovered, 9 Mar. 2026, adoptionuncovered.com/2026/03/09/groundbreaking-relationships-with-angela-legg/.
13. Brown, Jane. “When Children Deny Their Heritage.” Adoptive Families, 29 Sept. 2024, http://www.adoptivefamilies.com/transracial-adoption/ethnic-heritage-cultural-heritage-transracial-adoption/.
14. Deakin-Smith, Hannah Louise, et al. “‘I was once another person with a different name’: Adult adoptees’ experiences of first name changes.” Sage Journals, 30 Oct. 2025, journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/03085759251381825.