Why Do Adoptees Search for First Family?

One thing that makes adoptees unique is their connection to more than one family at a young age. (1) In the past many times, adoptive families and sometimes first families made an effort to keep this reality quiet. (2) We know better now. There are many studies and the witness of both adoptees and first families that have made it clear it is healthier to live in a world where both of these families are acknowledged. (3) Even though this acknowledgment most often refers to divulging information about first family to an adoptee, adoptees can take another step. When an adoptee isn’t in an open adoption they can still decide to make this connection. They might decide to find their first family and maybe even meet them, but they can have many different reasons for doing it.

Need for a Sense of Belonging

It is easy to take for granted that as we grow up we have similarities and differences to the people in our homes. We share the same nose or the same affinity for mustard. We dislike the same music or breakfast cereal. Some adoptees experience this differently. They prefer different foods to their adoptive family, but they also look different. They may feel like the things they have in common with their adoptive family are so few, they might be more comfortable around strangers. (4) This feeling of not belonging varies in the degree to which adoptees feel it. Some don’t feel it much at all.

Families can succeed in addressing the feeling of not belonging to varying degrees. Some families deny that the adoptee should feel like an outsider in a home where they are loved. (5) Other families might make the gulf worse by teasing the adoptee about their differences as though the adoptee gets the message that their family would only poke fun at someone they cared about. (6) Others do a better job. They might take the adoptee’s concerns seriously and enlist the help of professionals when necessary. (7)

This gap of feeling different from everyone around them can spur adoptees to seek out first family. (8) Hope would tell them that if they connect with the family they are genetically related to they will find similarities in looks, abilities, or tastes. (9) Sometimes this is absolutely true. There are lovely stories of people who are able to add family members to their lives which they feel intuitively comfortable around.(10) This isn’t always the case and it can be devastating if this doesn’t work in the way an adoptee hopes. (11)

This desire to belong or look like others in a group is understandable, but in reality, the adoptee may find that neither family they belong to understands them in the deep, easy way they hope for. Does first family express their race in the way the adoptee expects? Does the adoptee find similar likes and dislikes to the people they are related to genetically? Sometimes the answer is no. Adoptees need to be prepared for either scenario when this is where their desire to search is coming from.

Desire for comfort and community.

Just because a child is moved from one home to another does not guarantee that the child will grow up in a happy home. Adoptive parents, even if they look good on paper and to the quick glance of a harried social worker, are not always good parents.(12) Having a house, a marriage, and money doesn’t equate to the ability to meet a child’s complicated needs.

Adoptees who come from adoptive homes that were not peaceful and settled might feel like there is a family out there who would give them the care and support their adoptive family didn’t. Who would better understand them than those who share their genes? Sometimes this can be the case, especially if there is extended family that can provide additional support to the adoptee. Some adoptees are able to fill in this gap. At times they can fill it with a first mother who wants a relationship and prizes the closeness they desire. Other times first mothers want to keep the secret they began by offering their child to another family. Rejection is still a possibility, even though there should be a place for adoptees to land among their first families.

Curiosity and Mystery-solving

This type of motivation to discover first family often comes from adoptees who have had a meaningful life with their adoptive families. Sometimes, they leave their adoptive family and begin their own before curiosity strikes in such a way that they start to search for and possibly connect to their first family. (13) Adoptees who search to fill in the blanks in this way very often have a number of blanks to fill. A DNA test might be their first stop. They might decide to find out their ethnicity and stop at that point. Moving on shouldn’t be assumed. Each step of the process can be an ordeal in and of itself. What does your ethnicity mean to you? How does it change how you view yourself? (14)

Mystery solvers might choose to start their searches later in life. If this is the case even if they do try connecting to first family, fewer of them might still be living. Often, this doesn’t diminish the story they discover about who their first family was and what type of life they led.

Sometimes dealing with disappointments for adoptees who are happy with their adoption situation can be less traumatic than for those who have already experienced hard situations with their adoptive families. (15) They may still need support and professional help if they discover difficult news along the way or find that first family doesn’t want the kind of relationship with them they would prefer.

Valid Reasons

There isn’t a right or wrong reason to search for first family. An adoptee can choose to start searching for any of these reasons and more. It is good to understand what lies behind the search to make sure the adoptee is properly supported along the way. It is good to be realistic about where the support will be coming from. Will adoptive parents help, or be less active in the search? Maybe the adoptee can enlist the support of a trusted therapist or other mental health professional along the way.

Whatever brings the adoptee to the point when they decide to begin a search for their first family the reason behind the search is a piece that will play into understanding how to make the search as healthy as it can realistically be.

Sources

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