Adoption Uncovered

Love is Important, But it isn’t the Complete Answer.

Adoptive families often are full of love for the children they consider adopting. Many of these families are open to inviting children of any race into their homes. They feel like the love they have for all of the children in their homes should be enough to give adoptees a healthy outlook on life. (1) Fairness is key in these families, and there might be a focus on having similar standards for their biological and adopted children. Fairness is noble and good. When families adopt a child of another race or ethnicity, however, it is not enough. (2)

Adoption used to be a Painful Secret.

Generations ago adoption often flew under the radar as families adopted children who looked like them and often didn’t even tell their own children they were adopted. (3) The logic was that keeping it a secret wouldn’t hurt anyone, and it would avoid extra attention in society. (4) In the years since adoptees and first mothers have spoken out. Studies have been done and we have realized that overall it is far better for adoptees to have open communication and knowledge of their first families. (5) This knowledge helps adoptees complete the picture of who they are. Often even if an adopted child was of the same race as their adoptive family there could be tells that made family members question if they were biologically connected to them. Maybe the adopted child was taller than the biological children. Maybe they were better at sports. It turns out it is far healthier for everyone in the family to be able to admit the obvious, and for those around the adoptee to be honest about the fact that they were adopted. (6)

What is Race and How is it Experienced?

When it comes to race there is an added layer of honesty that needs to happen. This one is harder for parents to accomplish. Parents of one race need to be honest about the fact that they don’t always know what it is like to walk into society as a person of a different race. Race, to be clear, is the face that a person presents to the world and how the world interprets that face. (7) Race doesn’t always have to be connected to your true ethnicity. (8) If you are truly mixed race, but you appear to be black the world might see your race as black and treat you as such, even though you might be more Hispanic, or another ethnicity. One of the biggest issues to understand about race is that if a person passes a dozen people they may get a dozen different interactions based on the race they present to the world. (9) If a person presents as Hispanic, ten people might just zoom by them on the sidewalk with no reaction while one person might speak to them in Spanish, assuming they know the language and another person might look down their nose at them in disdain. If this Hispanic presenting person is your adopted child and you are white you may never have had this experience. It may be hard for you to believe if your child tells you they had this experience . If you are white, but of German ethnicity no one will know. No one will try to speak to you in German or look down on you.

What Should Adoptive Parents Do?

Your child might be confused or misunderstand what is happening. Maybe they will disregard these interactions and move on. Maybe these interactions will leave them without a sense of belonging. They may feel you will never understand their experience and the outside world doesn’t understand them either. (10) You can’t fix the ideas about race that other people have.(11) You can’t put your adopted child into circles where they will be insulated from other people’s ideas forever. If you are of another race as your child you also cannot understand the feelings they have or other people of their race have as they walk through the world. This is a truth that every interracial adoptive parent should sit with for a moment. You can’t fully fix this. What you can do is listen to your interracial adopted child and believe them if they tell you that they had an experience you don’t understand connected with their race. (12) Letting them interact with people of their race can help, but it still might not be the complete answer. (13) Regarding race, you may need to learn from your child what would help them. A good therapist might be an appropriate person to loop into your adopted child’s life as well.

What do Interracial Adoptees Tell Us?

When I have heard from adoptees who struggled with their sense of belonging, it was often due to the idea that there weren’t people around them who could fully listen to their feelings about their racial identity. Even if adoptive parents can never share the race of the adoptee, they can be that person who listens. (14) They can hurt with their child when someone makes them feel less human because of how they look. They can try to put their children in the presence of people who look like them. Sometimes being in the presence of their community can help children feel a sense that they belong. Sometimes it doesn’t. Their sense of peace with who they are as an adoptee is likely going to be a journey of ups and downs. Adoptive parents should be along for the ride, whether they fully understand what their child is going through or not. (15)

Sources

1. Moore, Taylor. “Finally, Transracial Adoptees Can See Ourselves Reflected in Literature.” Electric Lit, 29 Nov. 2018, electricliterature.com/finally-transracial-adoptees-can-see-ourselves-reflected-in-literature/.
2. Soojung Callahan, Nicole. ““Did You Ever Mind It?”: On Race and Adoption.” Adoptive Families, 28 Sept. 2024, http://www.adoptivefamilies.com/transracial-adoption/adult-adoptee-talking-about-race-and-adoption/.
3. Swan, Ferera. “My parents hid the fact I was adopted, but I instinctively knew.” Metro.co.uk, 23 Oct. 2021, metro.co.uk/2021/10/23/my-parents-hid-the-fact-i-was-adopted-but-i-instinctively-knew-15461697/.
4. Inskeep, Steve. “No One’s Children.” The Atlantic, 11 Mar. 2024, http://www.theatlantic.com/ideas/archive/2024/03/secret-adoptions-right-to-know/677677/.
5. Fetters, Ashley. “What Happens When Parents Wait to Tell a Child He’s Adopted.” The Atlantic, 22 July 2019, http://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2019/07/adoption-disclosure-study/594496/.
6. Schooler, Jayne. “Telling the Truth to Your Adopted or Foster Child: Helping Your Child Come to a Strength-Based Understanding of His or Her Life Story.” Adoptioncouncil.org, 1 Nov. 2019, adoptioncouncil.org/publications/adoption-advocate-no-137/.
7. “Race and Ethnicity.” American Psychological Association, http://www.apa.org/topics/race-ethnicity.
8. Morin, Amy. “Differences Between Race vs. Ethnicity.” verywellmind.com, 21 Mar. 2023, http://www.verywellmind.com/difference-between-race-and-ethnicity-5074205#:~:text=Race%20refers%20to%20dividing%20people,history%2C%20language%2C%20and%20religion.
9. Menasce Horowitz, Juliana, et al. “3. The role of race and ethnicity in Americans’ personal lives.” Pew Research Center, 9 Apr. 2019, http://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2019/04/09/the-role-of-race-and-ethnicity-in-americans-personal-lives/ .
10. Bazile-Dutes, Ajani. “People Of Color Who Were Adopted By People From A Different Race Or Ethnicity Are Sharing The Things They Want People To Know, And It’s Starting An Important Conversation.” Buzzfeed, 8 June 2022, http://www.buzzfeed.com/ajanibazile/transracial-adoptees-stories.
11. Tanemura, Janice. “Helping my mixed-race kids rethink their ideas about race and privilege.” Nichi Bei News, 29 Sept. 2022, http://www.nichibei.org/2022/09/helping-my-mixed-race-kids-rethink-their-ideas-about-race-and-privilege/.
12. Reisner, Deb. “Transracial Adoption: Love Is Just the Beginning.” We are families rising, wearefamiliesrising.org/resource/transracial-adoption/.
13. Dusza Guerra Leksander, Susan. “Striving Towards Ethical Adoption Practice.” https://blog.petrieflom.law.harvard.edu/, 11 May 2022, blog.petrieflom.law.harvard.edu/2022/05/11/.
14. Hutson, Rebekah. “”5 Things I Wish My White Parents Knew”.” adoptivefamilies.com, http://www.adoptivefamilies.com/transracial-adoption/5-things-i-wish-my-white-parents-knew/ .
15. Dufresne, Sharday. ” Helpful Advice in Navigating Transracial Adoption.” archibald project, thearchibaldproject.com/helpful-advice-in-navigating-transracial-adoption/.