Adoption Uncovered

Adoptive families can look similar to other families. But sometimes when families adopt they find that the children they have invited into their homes have behaviors they never imagined they’d face. Maybe social workers informed them that the children had been through a lot and they would need to prepare accordingly. Sometimes social workers were not aware or didn’t inform families properly. Whatever the case, sometimes families find themselves with children in their homes that require 24/7 vigilance, more love than they ever knew they possessed, and more care than they can afford. 

These children might have a diagnosis of reactive attachment disorder, but often there is not one singular diagnosis. (1) Sometimes it is difficult to get them a diagnosis or get an accurate one. Days with children like this may include things the rest of us can’t comprehend. 

Morning

Hopefully, when you greet your child they have slept. That may not be the case. Children with these types of diagnoses often don’t have the ability to let their guard down, even long enough to sleep. (2) The experiences they have been through lead them to a deep internal belief that they are never safe. (3)

Parents need to be observant when breakfast is brought out as these children may have food or meal-related triggers. (4) Maybe you need to serve certain foods of a certain consistency. You definitely need to be aware of what dishes or silverware this child has access to. Some families find they need to keep sharp objects locked away to prevent their child from using them in a devastating way on themselves or others. (5)There may be medication available to this child that might help with some of their conditions. (6) You will have to find a way to get these pills from the bottle safely into the child’s stomach. Creativity may be necessary. 

Daytime

Imagine leaving the house and taking a child with a severe diagnosis to the park. Sometimes a family member needs to be in physical contact with this child at all times to ensure they won’t run away, or hurt another child. (7) Families of these children may limit the places they go to make sure the child is as comfortable as possible while providing them with experiences outside the house. No event during the course of a day is without the risk that the child will be triggered. If the child is triggered the behavior the family is faced with can be far more than embarrassing. It can be dangerous to the child, the parents, siblings, and anyone within reach. (8) Pressure is often placed on parents in general to take responsibility for their children. When a child is having a tantrum it can often be a reflex for others to look disapprovingly at the parent to take charge and end the tantrum. (9) Parents of children with severe behavioral conditions face this as well. Bystanders don’t understand that the inner workings of this child’s brain prevent their caregivers from being able to use typical methods to teach their child civil behavior.

The School Day

Older children might attend school. (10) Sometimes they are able to participate in regular public school classes. A child with reactive attachment disorder can be a perfect student in school, acing their classes and impressing school staff. Teachers or even therapists may not believe the stories they hear from desperate parents who can’t sleep or have a life of their own. (11) Parents find themselves alone, isolated, and without the support they need.  It can be confusing to those outside the home when children express different facets of who they are to different people.

Even though some of these children with severe behaviors attend school, they might require many appointments of different kinds during their day to help keep them on track. Often there isn’t one particular treatment, pill or therapy families can point to that will take these children from the trauma they experienced to the land of successful adulthood. (12) Even if families are able to set up a regimen that brings peace to their lives for a time, often this is short-lived. Once the child gets bored of peace, they reach out to find the chaos they are more familiar with. Some children with severe diagnoses like these won’t succeed. They won’t improve to the point where they can have healthy relationships or hold down a job. These families can feel like they are rolling a boulder up a hill only to have it crash all the way down. Then they start again. 

Evening

When the child comes back from school and therapy, parents have attempted to feed them a healthy meal and locked away any implements the child could use to harm themselves or others, the evening routine can begin. Routine is important to these children to allow them any chance of accepting a healthy life at some point in the future. (13) Some parents of these children have noted that these children are used to chaos. They are unsettled in calm and comfort, so if they sense stability they do what they can to introduce chaos to the situation. Maybe, over the course of years of undoing this thought process, families might succeed in carving out a place in these children’s brains where they can accept quiet. (14) It is not easy, no matter how much money or time a family has to throw at these issues.

So following an attempted bedtime routine, the child is brought to a room that is theirs. It is likely a very minimalist room since they probably have the ability to turn many kinds of objects into weapons. (15) Maybe they are able to have a bed, blanket and pillow. Some can be trusted with a stuffed animal, and possibly a few books or clothes. Parents often have to inspect the room before leaving to ensure no dangerous objects have been smuggled in during the course of the day. Maybe after closing the door, they engage a lock or alarm system to ensure that this child doesn’t harm anyone else in the house or escape over the course of the night. Then, maybe, parents can flop exhausted into bed. They may not have any energy to imagine any life beyond getting through the next day. This may be the case day after day, year after year. It may also be true for siblings of this child who are growing up in the same house. They may not be dealing with the same trauma, but these conditions have a way of touching everyone in a household. 

Support

Sometimes the social workers who are supposed to be the primary support for families with severe diagnoses don’t have the answers that these families need. Katie Rose Noto, the adoptive mother of three boys with severe diagnoses. had this experience.

“The social worker told me over and over again that all they need is to feel loved and safe. That translated to ‘I’m failing’. So I’m crying in my room in the corner alone at night because obviously, I’m not making them feel loved and safe if this is continuing, you know, defiant behaviors or testing behaviors. I feel like that’s the bill people get sold. They’re gonna test you. Yeah, all children are gonna test but these were homicidal behaviors. These were very violent behaviors that I was dealing with 24 hours a day, seven days a week. For a decade.” (16) Katie went on to start a non-profit to support other families like hers. Her organization, Attach Families, is one of a handful that offers many kinds of support, and even a 24/7 hotline for families to call when they are faced with severe behaviors and need someone to talk to.

More support is necessary to make sure the families raising children with severe diagnoses can help them become healthy adults who can contribute positively to society. Non-profits like Attach Families and others are trying to fill the gap, but hopefully, in the future these families will be heard, believed, and offered the services they need to thrive for a price they can easily afford.

Sources

1. Better Health Channel, 2024, http://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/health/healthyliving/behavioural-disorders-in-children.
2. “The Real-Life Red Flags We Missed Raising a Child with Reactive Attachment Disorder.” Rad Advocates, 19 Sept. 2023, http://www.radadvocates.org/post/the-real-life-red-flags-we-missed-raising-a-child-with-reactive-attachment-disorder.
3. “What is Reactive Attachment Disorder.” Anxiety Institute, 2024,  anxietyinstitute.com/what-we-treat/trauma-and-stress-related-disorders/reactive-attachment-disorder/.
4. Williams, Kerri. “Signs and symptoms of Reactive Attachment Disorder .” Raising Devon, 4 Apr. 2021, raisingdevon.com/2021/04/04/how-common-are-rad-symptoms/.
5. “Must Have Safety Resources When Parenting a Child with Reactive Attachment Disorder.” Every Star is Different, 2024, http://www.everystarisdifferent.com/2018/03/Safety-Resources-for-Reactive-Attachment-Disorder.html#:~:text=One%20can%20never%20know%20w.
6. Myers, Michaela. “When Reactive Attachment Disorder Looks Like Something Else and the Medication Consequences.” RAD Advocates, 29 June 2021, http://www.radadvocates.org/post/when-reactive-attachment-disorder-looks-like-something-else-and-the-medication-consequences .
7. “Day to Day Life Parenting a Child With Reactive Attachment Disorder.” Every Star is Different, http://www.everystarisdifferent.com/2016/07/day-to-day-life-parenting-child-with.html.
8. “Parents of kids with Reactive Attachment Disorder: 10 Unfortunate truths you must know.” Raising Devon, 24 May 2020, raisingdevon.com/2020/05/24/parents-of-kids-with-rad-10-unfortunate-truths-you-must-know/.
9. O’Toole, Carrie. “The Added Trauma of Raising a Child with Developmental Trauma: When Everyone Turns Against You.” RAD Advocates, 21 July 2021, http://www.radadvocates.org/post/the-trauma-of-raising-a-child-with-developmental-trauma .
10. Ellenwood, Allison. “Education, Developmental Trauma and the Best Equation for Your Family.” RAD Advocates, 16 Aug. 2024, http://www.radadvocates.org/post/education-options-developmental-trauma.
11. Helzer, Danielle. “Understanding Reactive Attachment Disorder.” Huff Post, 6 Dec. 2017, http://www.huffpost.com/entry/understanding-reactive-at_b_9541622 .
12. “Why Traditional Therapy Doesn’t Usually Work (and Can Even Make Things Worse) for Kids with Reactive Attachment Disorder.” RAD Advocates, 22 Jan. 2024, http://www.radadvocates.org/post/traditional-therapy-ineffective-for-reactive-attachment-disorder .
13. “Tips on Dealing With Reactive Attachment Disorder.” 2ingage, 25 June 2021, 2ingage.org/tips-on-dealing-with-reactive-attachment-disorder/.
14. Prange-Morgan, Chris. “How a Mom of a Child with Reactive Attachment Disorder Develops “Trauma Brain” Too.” RAD Advocates, 17 June 2022, http://www.radadvocates.org/post/how-a-mother-of-a-child-with-reactive-attachment-disorder-develops-trauma-brain.
15. VanTine, Amy. “When Home is No Longer a Safe Haven: The Reality of Living with Reactive Attachment Disorder.” RAD Advocates, 4 Dec. 2023, http://www.radadvocates.org/post/the-1-thing-to-know-as-you-seek-interventions-for-reactive-attachment-disorder-in-an-unsafe-home.
16. Spiering, Charlyn. “Families who adopt children with severe behaviors from foster care have a chance at hope thanks to Katie Rose Noto.” Adoption Uncovered, 30 July 2024, adoptionuncovered.com/2024/07/30/families-who-adopt-children-with-severe-behaviors-from-foster-care-have-a-chance-at-hope-thanks-to-katie-rose-noto/.