Adoption Uncovered

Adoptees have about as broad a range of experiences growing up as any group of people. (1)Their feelings can range from deep family love to harsh abuse trauma and land everywhere in between. One thing adoptees have in common is that somewhere out there is another family they have some sort of connection to. (2) Searching for that family can be complicated on many levels. Even adoptees with close ties to their adoptive families can sometimes find there isn’t support for them when they try to dive into looking for this other family. (3) Adoptive families sometimes feel like their love for the adoptee is being doubted, or that the adoptee might run off with this other family and be lost to them. (4) Searching for birth family doesn’t work that way. It is not an all-or-nothing proposal. Relationships of any kind are nuanced. There are degrees of intensity. This is true with families as well. 

Adoptees Need Support

Searching for birth family shouldn’t be done alone. Whether an adoptee has the blessing of their adoptive family or not, support is essential. (5) Support can look different for each adoptee. Church groups, friends, and spouses are great resources, but a therapist experienced in working with adoptees can often be the best support. A lot of different, sometimes unexpected emotions can be associated with searching and hopefully finding birth family. 

Searches Can be Hard

Not only do feelings well up in the adoptee related to their relationship to the birth family, but sometimes the search itself can cause stress or insecurity. (6) Some searches go quickly. Maybe the adoptee has a very solid lead or has a fairly close connection with the birth family they can draw on. Sometimes, though, searches can take years. Exhaustion can set in. There can be doubts as to why the birth family is so hard to find. 

Birth Family Members May Have Complicated Feelings, Too

Birth family has emotions related to the existence of an adopted child as well and those feelings can have a huge range. Some birth families have buried the existence of this child and have kept peaceful relations with their surrounding family because of this secret. If an adoptee announces themselves they may unravel an intricately concocted story they didn’t figure in. Adoptees don’t always get a warm welcome because of the wall of silence they are breaking through.(7) Birth families build new families that don’t include the adoptee and sometimes the birth family likes their small circle. A stranger busting in isn’t always welcome, even if they have a right to be there. (8)

Sometimes birth family is happy to meet the child from their past. Reunions can be joyful and a relief especially if birth family realizes that the life their adopted child entered was good for them and gave them healthy connections and good memories.(9) At the same time, even if reunions are happy, the people involved have had decades of being apart. They have different lives, connections, habits, and interests. Sometimes those come together nicely, but sometimes they are very different. (10)

Where Do You Start Your Search?

While an original birth certificate would be the fastest way for an adoptee to find the names of the people who gave birth to them, in many states these records are sealed. Adoptees all over the country are lobbying their states to allow them access to these records, and some are succeeding, but in many states, this is not an available option.(11) If an adoptee knows which agency was involved with their adoption sometimes the agency has a path to allow access to their records or a way to connect with birth family. When none of these paths produce meaningful results many adoptees turn to DNA testing.(12) This technology has progressed to the point where many testing services can lead adoptees to pieces of their puzzle if not the actual names of birth family they seek. 

The other aspect of reunification that can surface is the knowledge of ethnicity and health information. When adoptees hit the inevitable family tree assignment in grade school, they often wish this information was more accessible. Having clear knowledge of these parts of them can seem like a relief. (13) Sometimes this part of the search can become clear sooner than the knowledge of a specific maternal or paternal name. Some DNA searches can give more or less accurate hints in the direction of ethnicity. 

Recruit Help for the Search

Some people are fascinated by the whole field of genealogy. Often there are trusted people who will become team members as adoptees try to piece together their past.(14) Having help sorting through paperwork or links can bring people together

DNA Tests Can Help

When an adoptee has their support network in place and they are in touch with their feelings and expectations they can start searching with a DNA test. Different tests have different strengths for adoptees. (15)

Ancestry has a reputation for being an excellent resource for connecting to people on your family tree. Since they have an extensive database of DNA from other individuals. This is usually one of the top picks for adoptees trying to track down unknown birth family connections.

23 and Me is known for its ability to help you identify health conditions adoptees may want to be on the lookout for. Even though this DNA test can give you some insight into your body nothing can replace talking to your doctor about health conditions you may suspect you are prone to. 

Family tree DNA kit is said to be great if the emphasis is on learning more about an adoptee’s ethnicity. 

Whatever path an adoptee chooses to find out their full story it is important to treat the search seriously and not enter the seeking space on a whim. Searching and reunification can have unexpected consequences. These events can cause pain, or open up a whole new world of identity. It is good to be prepared either way. 

Sources

1. “The Adoptee Experieince.” Psychology Today, http://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/adoption/adoptee-experience.
2. Tucker, Angela. “Are Adoptees Selfish For Wanting To Search for Birth Parents?” Adoptive Families, http://www.adoptivefamilies.com/openness/adult-adoptees-considered-selfish-for-wanting-to-search-for-birth-parents/.
3. Cartarescu, Ioana. “Common Reasons Adoptees Either Do or Don’t Search for Their Biological Parents.” Adopted.com, http://www.adopted.com/blog/common-reasons-adoptees-either-do-or-dont-search-for-their-biological-parents.html.
4. “When Your Parents Don’t Support Your Birth Family Search: 5 Tips.” considering adoption, consideringadoption.com/when-your-parents-dont-support-your-birth-family-search-5-tips/.
5. Spiering, Charlyn. “Searching for Birth Family and Volunteering with Foster Care: A Talk with Lynn Grubb.” Adoption Uncovered, 24 Dec. 2023, adoptionuncovered.com/2023/12/24/searching-for-birth-family-and-volunteering-with-foster-care-a-talk-with-lynn-grubb/.
6. Herbst, Diane. “How to Prepare When Adopted Children Are Ready to Meet Their Birth Parents.” People.com, 18 Nov. 2021, people.com/human-interest/how-to-prepare-when-adopted-children-want-to-meet-birth-parents/.
7. Pitzl, Mary Jo. “DNA testing connects adoptees with birth parents. What happens next is complicated.” azcentral.com, 30 Nov. 2017, http://www.azcentral.com/story/news/local/arizona-best-reads/2017/11/30/genetic-ancestry-dna-testing-connects-adoptees-birth-parents-what-happens-next/702738001/.
8. “Finding Closure When Your Birth Parent Search is Not Successful.” Love Builds Families, 21 July 2021, afth.wordpress.com/2021/07/21/finding-closure-when-your-birth-parent-search-is-not-successful/.
9. Bahrampour, Tara. “DNA’s new ‘miracle’: How adoptees are using online registries to find their blood relatives.” Washington Post, 12 Oct. 2016, http://www.washingtonpost.com/local/social-issues/dnas-new-miracle-how-adoptees-are-using-online-registries-to-find-their-blood-relatives/2016/10/12/10433fec-8c48-11e6-bf8a-3d26847eeed4_story.html.
10. Roessle, Denise. “The Birth Parent Reunion Roller Coaster.” Adoptive Families, http://www.adoptivefamilies.com/openness/birth-parent-reunion/.
11. Gass-Poore, Jordan. “Most American Adoptees Can’t Access Their Birth Certificates. That Could Soon Change.” Mother Jones, 13 Mar. 2019, http://www.motherjones.com/politics/2019/03/most-american-adoptees-cant-access-their-birth-certificates-that-could-be-about-to-change/#:~:text=All%20over%20the%20country%2C%20there,the%20adoptee’s%20.
12. Matloff, Ellen. “If I’m Adopted, Should I Have DNA Testing?” Forbes, 11 July 2018, http://www.forbes.com/sites/ellenmatloff/2018/07/11/im-adopted-should-i-have-dna-testing/?sh=608f40cbe029.
13. Tapp, Fiona. “What It’s Like to Fill in the Gaps in Your Health History When You’re Adopted.” Self, 18 Jan. 2019, http://www.self.com/story/adoption-health-history-genetic-testing.
14. Grubb, Lynn. “How Can You Support an Adoptee.” , 15 July 2016, noapologiesforbeingme.blogspot.com/2016/07/how-can-you-support-adoptee.html.
15. “The Best DNA Testing Services for Adoptees.” Considering Adoption, consideringadoption.com/adopted/search-and-reunion/the-best-dna-testing-services-for-adoptees/.